I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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