She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
