you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
