im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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