I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
