Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
