My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
