i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
