Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
