my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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