Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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