tonight lets celebrate not being married
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
