the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
