she woke up with a sticky ear
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
