I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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