there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
