How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.