There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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