So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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