bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
