Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
