he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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