I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
