My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Randomize
