i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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