I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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