i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Enjoy the penises
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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