areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
