Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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