I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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