My boss' voice literally gives me gas
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
