I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
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