i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
