I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
