Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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