Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
