Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
