I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
