The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
