I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
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This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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