so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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