I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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