holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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