I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Randomize
