im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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