please come you make the beer taste better
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
