I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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