I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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