i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
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