This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
