i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
i think im in europe. pls send help
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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