A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
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