U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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