no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
