So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Randomize
