all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
