i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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