oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
