He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize
