If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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