I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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