Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
