Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
