My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
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