I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Randomize
