she woke up with a sticky ear
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?