Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology