I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week