My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
