I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
