what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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