If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
worst night to have a conscience
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
