Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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