After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
