update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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